DEPRESSION

It's day I don't even know anymore and let me tell you, I've been really hard on myself for not being consistent with jornaling.

Telling myself, "okay, tomorrow I'll catch up" but then realizing that it's not about catching up but being okay with starting over as long as I'm trying and not giving up.

I'm proud of the amazing progress I've made but man oh man I'd be lying if I said I haven't cried and lost my shit from how overwhelmed I've felt. 

This time its all been internal instead of external. 

"You have to study... but wait the bed isn't made, once I make the bed I can focus better"

The bed has been made.

"You have to make a to-do list and then you can focus".

The To-Do list has been made.

"Wait, I have to think about some date ideas but wait, I have to make a doctors appointment... Oh wait I haven't spent enough time with Jesus"

This is the constant cycle I live in and I'm constantly exhausted from how overwhelming it becomes.

I just wish I could shut off my thoughts.

I never know how to bring it up because my problems seem like nothing compared to everyone else.

The struggle of getting up in the morning but to others I come off as lazy.

The constant suicidal thoughts, the constant self-hatred.

All of this is hard to process but the hardest part is knowing that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

That I have a God given given purpose to fulfill but that I'm at a constant war with my mind to survive.

Constantly choosing survival when my thoughts are constantly telling me to die is the most exhausting feeling ever.