Depression

It is not a state

Not a phase as most would have you believe

It is nothing that enough medicine and drugs can fix

It slithers in like the snake did with Eve

Or the fire of the Garden of Eden

Even after the burn a flicker still kindles

In the ruins of the dead

Ruins of what was once sacred.

It will deceive itself as a light

 A hope

 But do not be fooled

For it is not the burning sword of the Ark Angel,

It hopes to catch you in its brokenness.

So it can burn again,

Killing as it does, taking,

Creating this void in my heart

And my soul.

Soon I am just a silhouette.

My shadow has more life than me.

The world is full of bells and tinsel

Happiness shimmers in the air

The calm before the storm.

And that dark cloud consumes me

My foul sense of humor shines the light bulb.

At least the fire is gone

Replaced by a flood

No ark in my sight

But perhaps there was

 Noah just forgot me in his desperation.

Like Alice I am stuck in a world supposed to be weirdly unfamiliar

But not quite

For pain and hurt is all the same everywhere

 This world or not.

But this world is created by my own hand.

The grim, slimy walls plastered by my hate and rage.

40 Days and night I spend, toiling this monstrous structure

I am a modern Frankenstein

 But I feel the need to consume

The fruit from the forbidden tree

Rotten, coated by sugar and sprinkles

But even though I know that, I still feel it is essential to me

To my life

For if I don’t have it will I break, or fall,

 or perhaps run free?

But free from what?

This pain that endangers me, this hole that is my being?

No for I know all too well how the fire begins again

For I must destroy the fuel, the forest of Eden

Myself.

Yes! For if the furl is gone, no more fire, no more pain!

I’ll be free!

Alas fear keeps me from swinging the axe blade

Destroying the tree, the roots of all this pain.

If I change myself, destroy me to the very core

Will I be me?

No!

 The pain will be gone but at what cost?

My sanity

My ability to determine for myself what truly pains me

Stick these needles in my arm

Shoot up that happy juice one more time.

Then I see the tree crystallized in joy, dripping from its very being

Shines a light from the angel standing a top

Feeding artificial joy into my being

For it is like a vapor that has sucked its way into my soul.

The cloud is gone,

Replaced by an I.V. dripping the sanity back into me.