depression. success.

There once was a girl in this big lonely world who struggled to see the light. Suffocated by the societal views of how a girl should talk and walk.  Drowned by the feeling of failure from every set of eyes looking down on her.

She struggled to see a reason to breathe. She struggled to see the joy of individuality and thought her life just wasn’t meant to be. There was a constant battle of gasping for air when the anxiety kicks in. Hands began to tremble and her chest began to collapse. She felt as if she were falling off of a deep precipice. She fell to her lowest. She stood. The ground caved in. She fell deeper than ever before. Buried alive by the burden of expectations set far too high for far too long. She closed her eyes and let her last breathe out.

That was the first of many “last breaths” she would take. It was the first time the truth was known. Betrayal and hate was in the air. It was all she could feel. In her darkest time she was truly alone. Blamed for weakness and lack of trust. How could there be trust if the outcome turned out worse than she or anyone could have anticipated?

Love.

How could she feel love when the anger and resentment was so prominent? How could she get a hug when they couldn’t bear to look at her? How could they expect her to not feel alone?

She reached a milestone that was almost a failure. It was almost something else to hate her for. She took a step towards a deeper, dwindling depression disguised as “hope” and “success”. With a nose in a book and pills down her throat, she would finally make them all proud.

The pills were too much. She wasn’t sad. She was tired and wanted to sleep. She struggled to understand why the plethora of antidepressants took her further away from happiness than she had ever been. She tried to self destruct. She had no one. She smiled and lied and then turned away to cry.

It was a week of escape and self preservation. She felt less alone in a room full of lonely people buy just a little.

She carried on with the same failure.

This phase.
Redemption. She feels less alone surrounded by the same people from her past. The bar for success is held high.

That bar is now set by her. She will succeed.

I will succeed.