The Depths Of My Heart

He doesn't love me anymore.
After all the pain he inflicted, the lies.
All the other women he swept off their feet with his infinite tales of bullshit
And meaningless "I love yous" falsely comforting them in his arms.
Aside from what I found out, I wonder how much I didn't know.
But then again, do I want to?
Did he ever love me or anyone else for that matter?
I seek closure in the unanswered questions I long to be answered,
But I'll never know the truth behind it all.
The truth that will set my heart free from the weight that suffocates my spirit from growing.
Was any of this real, or is it all just a faded memory of illusion and wishful thinking?
It makes me question, am I worthy of love?
All of the men that came into my life left the same scars.
Am I the root of their cold-hearted swords that pierced my heart when they stabbed me in the back repetitively when I wasn't looking?
I was blindsided, I never thought I'd have to sleep with one eye open.
Will I ever be good enough in someone else's eyes?
Good enough to be the only one they seek for comfort, pleasure, happiness, love,
Or am I just here to be used for my body until I have nothing left to give?
My soul yearns to be touched, understood, comforted, protected, loved.
My guard is up so high, the locks on my heart are heavy and hard to carry on my own.
My soul cries for the day someone comes along with the right key to release this burden.
I want someone to teach me how to love, to be loved, scars and all,
And find the beauty under the depths of pain and fear that I stowed it under.
I'm tired of trying to decipher what's real or not, picking apart every word I'm told.
I only expect to be hurt because that's all I've ever known and been proved.
I listen but don't believe and push people away every chance I get to avoid getting lost in deceit and stifling heartache.
It's not fair to others who didn't cause the damage, it's not their fault.
I feel guilty for being complicated and I rather be isolated than be destructive to another person's heart because of my devastating fear of love.
But I'm scared of love because the only love I've known is pain..