Desert
Do you know what it is like to
Lay. Completely. Still.
In. A. Quiet. Room.
Exploding?
Words burn and bounce
across the trampoline that seems to be my brain
I know that I have a disorder. That I have an unnatural voice inside my neurons.
But. I. Can't. Resist.
The words that tell me
that its not me, that my parents make it worse, that I am not wrong.
And there are the words that I feed myself.
Printed on colorful pages to make them more convincing are those
full of stone smiles and cheesy slogans
I matter. I am beautiful. I love myself.
But these don't matter because
deep down you are trying so so hard to believe them
That. It. Hurts.
And. You. Cant. Make. It. Stop.
Your fingers scroll through your contacts
Looking for anyone who will make you stop trembling.
To stop and think that your life matters
That you shouldn't kill the words in your head.
And you see her
She may not answer at first,
but when she does...
I virtually yell
I tell her everything
My anger, my depression, the words and that I lie when I say I’m fine
And she listens
And my fingers quiet themselves
I can breathe again.
The air is almost foreign but I breathe it in like I came back from the dead
Because she understands
And I believe she loves me. Really.
She would miss me
In her heart I matter
So, I. Lay. Completely. Still.
Until the room comes into a sharp focus
and I remember that my responsibilities await me -
the me that I show the world.
My anxiety drops me in a desert
that blocks the entrance of any others
But the one thing that I need when I get locked on that island
Is the love of my sister
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