I was 6 weeks old
Nothing but soft skin and cries in the night to define me
When a man cloaked in white laid my head in holy water
He offered me the cross as his fingers scratched the air
Just as they’d done a thousand times before
To so many others so fair.
Now I had my first label at 6 weeks old
She is a Catholic girl, so prim and proper
She’ll wear a dress and bobby socks, with little black heels
In the years to come she’ll confess her sins
She’ll share the body and blood of Christ
And live life with one goal in mind: heaven.
Yet in the end,
No matter how many times I mimicked the cross on my own chest
None of it seemed to make any sense.
I did not grow up with the church,
I grew around choirs rejoicing hallelujah
Mumbling amen under my breath.
I listened to person after person tell me of this man
A man in the sky who I should talk to at night
A man who has a plan for me before I die
But it didn’t seem to matter what they said
Because in the back of my mind all I heard was why?
And you see, that’s thing. No one around me ever asked those three letters.
W H Y.
If god is so good, why do terrible things happen.
If god is so good, why does he act as a mere spectator
To cancer and genocide
To hate crimes and abuse
If god is so good, why won’t he let me loose?
Loose from my curious mind.
Loose from my need to question everything
To the point that I no longer believe in anything.
Now, before I continue I need to reassure you
I do not mean to shake anyone’s faith
The problem is not that you believe in God,
The problem is that for some reason, I cannot.
And with this problem comes my mask.
I define myself as Catholic because it comes with no explanation
Because when asked my religion
Its far easier to envision
The good Catholic girl
I define myself as Catholic because society accepts it.
They won’t bat an eyelash for they approve of it.
But inside I know I’m a sinner for I’ve broken rule number 9
Oh god, why me? Yes, for I have sinned
To keep the label the man in white gave me 17 years ago is to lie
I am a girl who will quote for you Genesis
but choke as God transforms Adam’s rib into Eve
I am the girl who will grimace as God floods the earth
And, in this way, I fail to comprehend how people find peace.
Despite what I say on the streets,
I do not believe in God.
I lack the faith to believe in what I cannot see,
And although I am okay with that,
To fear society’s rejection for what I can see,
Makes me feel as if something is wrong with me.
I blame it on them
I blame society for forcing me to wear the mask
Despite my own hands taking part in the task…
But damn you know, a mask only covers the face
Hell, my life falls behind a curtain
Because sometimes I feel like such a disgrace.