Diagnosed

I have generalized anxiety.

It swallows me and it feels like I can't breathe.

And all the while I can.

But I start to think.....”What if I can’t.”

I get a pain in chest and automatically

It’s a terminal illness that will definitely kill me.

And there goes that pain in my belly,

The undiagnosed tumor, the colon cancer that

My grandmother had and will most definitely pass down to me.  

Oh and death, dark cold, death.

Will I feel its frozen grip? Will i live til 26.

Now suddenly everything is too much.

From the light on the ceiling to adrenaline and it's rush.  

And now i’m sobbing, shaking, and walking..

I pace and i can't get enough breath into my lungs and i scream,

But not too loud cause i'm afraid to let out the sound.

I burst into my mothers room,

I call out her name,

At this point I can't tell the difference from red and green

From matte to sheen,

I’m dying!

MOTHER I CAN'T BREATHE.

And then she’s in front of me.

Her arms surrounding me.

He voices calming me.

“It’s all okay...shhh..call on His name.”

You see..

My mother deals with the same disease as me.

This dis ease they call anxiety

It’s hereditary

Passed down from generation to generation,

A long line of ignored screams of terror and things unseen.

“I'm here...just breathe.”

In….and….out..

This curse,

this terrible illness…

Anxiety.