Disguises.

Looking into his eyes, cold, empty full of lies. Who was this man standing before me in this disguise? I've seen that look one too many times. I wish I never was a disappointment. But this man gave up on me a long time ago. Searching the ceiling to and fro, wondering where I am, who I am. I know I'm in a house but this house doesn't feel like home. It's a battle zone, fighting for the people sitting on their thrones. He doesn't know who's fighting for his love, his respect. He only glances at the past mistakes and places his bets. He's a man with an empty promise. Promised to be by my side, how did I miss that hollow look in his eyes? He didn't value time spent with me, he valued the time he spent making money. He valued the respect he could earn if he were financially stable. He was never able to be there. He didn't try hard enough. This man with a disguise taught me how not to shine, how not to glow. He taught me that if I weren't successful or driven, then I wasn't worth it. I wasn't worth the time, respect, the love that fathers are supposed to give to their child. I wasn't worth putting on file for people to call when everything fell through. I was constantly being held in disrepute. "I don't know how to get through to you, I've given up on you." "You're morals don't match up with mine, I'm wasting my time." I crossed a line and you slammed the door on my foot. It's hard to mend a broken bridge when the remains are drowning in the wreckage. Neglecting me only made me angry. I was taught to never show emotion. You justified mom hurting me. You told me I deserved it. Your callous words drove me to the road of recalcitrant thoughts. I was resilient all these years, never being able to be brought once to tears. Inducing my emotions in the sounds of a melody, you tore me apart and caused several calamities. You never meant for things to be this way, you just wanted what was best for yourself, not me. I wasn't a priority, I was a mistake.

This poem is about: 
Me
My family

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