and i have anxiety terrors, you know, the ones that have you shooting upright at two in the morning because
oh shit, you said something that maybe your friend thought was rude?
and how are you gonna apologize now, this happened a week ago, oh god, rethinking every interaction from a month back, where did i go wrong?
do they hate me?
no, they seemed fine yesterday, but was it fine before that?
did they already hate me, and are just grinning and bearing my presence ’til i figure it out and leave?
should i leave?
damn, my coffee mug is still in my backpack from this—no, yesterday—morning, and my lunch bag too, and dance clothes, and, and,
fuck, i have an essay due that i haven’t started, or just barely, or not done well enough, could do better, should, but can i?
or, most embarrassing
shitfuck, i didn’t do my snapchat streaks today, and i ignored fifteen text messages from someone i really shouldn't ignore
and it’s only most embarrassing because this is what breaks you
something so simple
so fucking easy
that you could have done in two minutes just a couple of hours ago,
but you were so stuck in your own goddamn head that you couldn't bother to reply
and that's gotta say something about your mental state, huh, that you were too fucked up to check your goddamn phone when your mom’s always yelling at you to put the goddamn thing away, anyway, and do the homework that
you know you’re not gonna do, that you've been putting off for five hours no, just wasting time doing so much nothing,
your grades are slipping again
you’re slipping again
fuck, not again, i can’t get like this again
well what good is it gonna do me now, it’s two in the goddamn morning
save the crisis for the morning—later in the morning—where you fake being a functional person
fake being okay, at least for a while,
before someone asks if you're okay, and you just give that broken smile, the one that says
oh honey, you can't honestly think i’m doin’ alright
before you turn away and pointedly ignore the concerned looks they send to you, to the people around you
the ones who say are your friends but are they lying?
and you close your eyes,
no, not now,
can't deal with this right now
have a breakdown—yes, another one—later, you need sleep
but your heart is pounding and you’re wide awake so you lay there for what feels like an hour
but is really only ten minutes
for your heart to calm down again
and you to drift back