Disreputable Donor

inattentive.

the color of my eyes

my beloved bed-time story 

my necessities for when i slept 

the way i looked up to you as if you were the answer to all of my problems.

incompetent.

lack of compassion

staying out until dawn

never in attendance for notable occasions

leaving when all i needed was you. 

undignified.

disappearing without a trace

starting a new family

giving them the tenderness i deserved

being happy when all you should feel is shame.

you were never a father.

it hurt knowing you moved on

when I could not fathom

your absence in the first place

yet it must still hurt you knowing 

i am your most precious penitence. 

maybe i was just a

figment of your imagination

a fictitious character in your 

sadistic comedy that left me utterly

and completely traumatized.

your abandonment brought

out my deepest insecurities

leaving a confused little girl

who would eventually 

question her existence and worth. 

you were never a father.

my mother warned me of false hope

and like a careless toddler

i burned myself with your fire 

every vicious burn turned into a 

horrific scar that left me haunted.

i was traumatized by the lies you told me

your appalling games that i fell for all too easily

i was a helpless young girl caught in your web of lies

too young and juvenile to perceive you for what you really were;

a compulsive manipulator with no sympathy.

i began to doubt the vow you made

the promise a father should retain to his daughter

you were the man i was supposed to look up to

and instead you quickly became the deadbeat 

that left his child subdued and despondent.

you were never a father.

maybe i am too harsh when it comes to you

or maybe i am not grating enough

the explicit words i wish to say to you

will never reveal how i feel

my deepest thoughts will forever be locked within me.

i question my emotions towards you 

if it is natural to feel such hatred for one person

thinking of you brings me pure repugnance

and i deeply regret longing for a relationship with you

you deserve nothing but agony.

from the deepest part of my heart 

i will always despise you

yet i have to thank you for leaving 

because in your absence god blessed me

with a man who will always keep his promise.

he is my father.