Dissolve Me

Dissolve me

The places I feel most comfortable are few. I do not fully trust myself or anyone else because I have not figured myself out quite yet. This past summer has been difficult, with my decision to become a dancer and pay a lot of money to go to this amazing school, and especially with the lack of support from my dad who doesn’t hesitate to remind me of the mistake I am currently making.

I see my dad as an emotionless human. He lived in 23 foster homes before he was finally adopted at age 5-1/2. His early childhood was rough, and several of his foster parents were quite abusive. He had to grow up quickly, be independent, and work all of his life. I honestly don’t blame him for how he is because I cannot even imagine what he has been through. He doesn’t agree with my decision to dance because he thinks I won’t earn enough money. He thinks being a dancer means “you will never be successful.” I was once told by a person who decided to pursue his career in art that “All the money you are spending here at Cornish, think of it as buying a house inside yourself filled with irreplaceable memories and your own successes.” When I heard this something suddenly clicked. To be honest, any one of us could die today, tomorrow, or months ahead. Do I really want to be doing something that would earn more money, “a smarter decision” as my dad would say, or to pursue the one thing that I have truly come to love?

For the last few months I have been challenged with trying to prove my dad wrong and striving to be the person I want to be, both of which are connected in some way. His lack of support really gets to me. I try to put up a front when I am around him. I stay emotionless so he won’t know I really care, and I keep reminding myself that I have to do it not just for me but also for the people who look up to me. My teachers, friends, and sisters who have not followed what they truly want in life are counting on me, and that makes me anxious and a bit nervous. What happens if I fail? What if I become someone nobody can recognize? I want to be a person others can believe in. In other words, I want to be the underdog who proves the haters wrong. However, I still cannot seem to kick the voices in the back of my mind bringing me down and telling me it’s an impossible dream. My insecurity and imperfections get in the way. I try to stop and ask, “Why am I really here?” It is hard to prove someone wrong when you do not even fully believe in yourself.

The place I would categorize as my “safe place” or “sanctuary” is a trail I used to run on at home (Tigard, Oregon). It is about a mile long and I walk a mile to get there, giving me time to doubt myself, telling myself I won’t be able to complete this. I usually go at night because the sky has the perfect balance of clouds and stars. The air is crisp but not too cold, and the cool air fogs my glasses just enough to make me feel lost and numb to the world. The air smells fresh and circulates around and through my body, making me feel full. I can see only the shadows of flowers and trees around me. This soothes the whispers of self doubt as I run, letting me believe I can do anything, prove those voices wrong and, most importantly, prove my dad wrong.

I push. I really push and eventually make it. I sprint once I feel I am close because there’s no quitting. I made it this far so the only thing to do is push even harder. I take a deep breath of the cool, rich air around me, fill my lungs. I feel the coolness caressing my body, the sweat dripping down my face. My ribs expand. I breathe in deeper than I ever felt possible, and I am off. Nothing in that moment can touch me – not the negative voices, not my dad, not anybody who has ever doubted me. My thoughts turn into positive ones and I make it. I walk back home as my body shakes, thoughts non-stop filling my mind, me truly feeling like I can do anything. In that moment I feel infinite.