Diving Headfirst... Belly Flop

Diving Headfirst… Belly Flop

By Siah Burkholder

“Step up (pause 1, 2, 3, 4), take your mark (1, 2, 3, 4)”, *BEEP*

Not again

My stomach is swirling with anxiety

Fear pauses my universe so I can lose myself,

In over analyzing

The other swimmers fear this moment too

For different reasons

They think

About the end of the race

Of the results

I fear the beginning

See, as a child no one taught me how to do certain things

They looked at me and saw someone who was old enough to manage and I was skipped

Learning was a process accomplished on my own

And the beginning was always the worst

After I started it got better

I figured things out

But

The dreadful beginning left me feeling embarrassed

At my lack of comprehension

At how many tries a task took me before I got it right

Swimming is a form of pure joy for me

However, when I started 5 years ago

I was older than the other girls

They scrutinized me and determined

I would know how to begin on my own

I didn’t

So I watched my teammates step up

Curl their toes over the edge of the block

And bring their hands down to meet them

Then

They flew

Unfolding their bodies and utilizing their legs to shoot out far in front of them

Entering the water in such a way that the surface seemed to swallow them

It was the spitting image of grace

My turn,

I mounted the block and contorted my body over it in imitation of the other girls

At the signal I leaped

But did not enter the water the same way

*SMACK*

I was a strong swimmer but every pain-sensory nerve in my body was screaming in agony

Paralysis held me

-for a split second that felt like hours-

Until I regained control of my body

I finished the race

It was over in a heartbeat

The beginning

Lasted an eternity

Diving headfirst into something

Is harder

When you don’t know how to dive

But watch me learn

Having a fear of beginnings is too restraining for me

I want to grow up

And experience all there is in life

I’m sure

I will have to learn many things on my own

So be it

The initial belly flop

Is not worth

surrendering any experience that will follow