do you hear that?

Do you hear that?
The silence is deafening, is it not? The muffled sobs and quick slam of a door. My screams piercing the cool night air. My neighbours pretend not to hear the world shatter. They pretend not to hear my banging on the walls because the waters filling up the room and there’s not much more air to breathe.
Neck deep and drowning and begging for help my cries fall upon your willfully deaf ears. I know you hear my pleas. The sobs that wrack my small pale frame. My mothers tired eyes slam fall shut like bricks thrown carelessly out of an airplane. They open with a crack and a shudder like the sound those same bricks would make landing on the skull of an innocent passerby.
This is the sound of a heart breaking.
My ear drums are ringing. Stare at the wall, the ceiling, the floor, the empty eyes of the tired girl in the mirror she doesn’t blink. Violet bags under her eyes and the mauve welts across her face. Only those closest know those sorrowful lavender welts are self inflicted. She looks absolutely pitiful. I’ve never seen such empty eyes in my life. I willfully ignore that the sad sad girl is me
The buzz of an excited crowd waiting for their loved ones safe return and the gentle roar of plane taking off fill my ears. Joyful lovers chattering and pulling each other closer and closer like they can’t get enough. We were the same that night. Your empty promises filled the air but dear god did I ever want to believe
In terms of love I was an atheist before I met you. A cynic. A bitter old bastard living a lonely life. There was frost in my lungs and icicles in my blue veins.
Dear god did you ever make me a firm believer. Forget water, when we were together I walked on air. I inhaled your love and exhaled my anxieties. For the first time in my short life I heard it. Everyone talks about it. The anticipation the buzz the clatter the soft but lovely music. It was hope.
Now I hear the clock. Mocking me. 5 months since you left and 6 since you cheated. But that doesn’t matter. The clock in the doctors office sounds different more demanding more impatient more like it knows I’m going to slip through the cracks sometime soon. His monotone drone goes in one ear and out the other.
“obsessive.”
“attachment disorder”
“acute stress disorder”
“deep rooted abandonment issues”
Why do all those words sound worse than the silence?
I find comfort in the gentle sound of the pills clunking against the porcelain sink
My stomach bubbles and roars as it tries to dissolve those same pills
Taken in different quantities they’re supposed to save my life.
Now all I hear are the voices
The whispers
The laughter
Dear god I wish for silence
The hiss of betrayal
Trust no one
Everyone is going to leave
Silence is all you need.”