Do you or do you not?

You speak words but

As they tumble tentatively through 

Your lips, you do the very thing

You try to argue against. 

What I see doesn't match what I hear.

You look for understanding 

But I cannot offer understanding when I don't

understand because you don't understand

my understandings as understood

truth.

Your ramblings they don't make sense.

As you try to explain, you miss the ultimate question.

Do you or do you not...

And why...

Never straight answers.

Always gigantic general jumbled heaps of words,

Falling to the ground,

Those bombs explode with 

Emotions of rejection, 

Facial expressions of disapproval,

And an air of abrasive abrupt arsenals

Filled with weapons I cannot compete with.

Do you or do you not...

I pick these petals with hopes,

Naive as it might be

Do they approve?

Do they not approve?

Do they approve?

As it comes to the last petal

My hopes deflates,

My balloon-of-a-heart goes flying,

Making it's last cries before

Total.

Horrifying.

Utter.

Defeat.

I realize...

This yearning for approval will never be fulfilled.

It's a sign of growing, maturing, and blossoming

Your heart can't handle.

For a glimpse... it's

Clear

This is the sense in the confusion,

Creating this truth made of lies.

I get a sense of peace in my chaotic mind.

I still have a decision.

This time my hopes will be cast in my Hope.

Allowing the comfort of His rod and staff to wash through me

as I walk through this valley.

My steps hesitantly firm, for I walk through deep waters 

without my floaties from before

But brave bonds buoy me.

I step carelessly, careful for what's ahead.

I know you mean well but your will is not well,

Only His.