Dolls
Growing up my favorite toy was a doll
I would play with her every day
Find ways to create my own realities
Have freedom to control how she lived
What she did for work
who she loved
what she ate
What her favorite things were
Tugged her every which way
Pulled her to my will
All till she ripped
She was too well-loved
I also envied her
Her ability to not have a worry in the world
I wanted to become that doll
Until I was that doll
That doll is no longer my favorite
It reminds me of a time that I wish not to remember
The day I told my story
“Now tell me where he touched you,
point at the doll and tell me where”
Was it near your heart
Was it on your head
On your shoulders knees and toes
Did you feel uncomfortable?
I was the doll
I was the one being played with
I was the one being tugged
I was the one being pulled
Being ripped to shreds
I was too unloved
I loved dolls but I never asked to be one
I no longer want to be questioned
I want your confession
You treated me like I was a doll
You put me in the closet only to be taken down
At your convenience
Like a girl tired of her doll when she’s too old
I’m tired of answering your questions
I don’t need the recollection of everything you did to me
Every time you popped a stitch
I don’t want to carry a sewing kit with me forever
Trying to put back the stuffing you took from me
Every time you popped a stitch
I wanted to scream and cry and shout
Tell the world this man committed a heinous act
I told my truth and I was silenced
My mother told me to keep it quiet
Told not to open my mouth
Told not to speak the truth
Told to take it back
And everything could go back to normal
What is normal
Being told to keep quiet
Silence comes from me
And my perpetrator’s words run free
Gripping my mother’s throat
Telling her not to believe what I wrote
Telling her not to believe I was groped
Telling her the monster he is was a joke
HE gripped my freedom
The innocence he grabbed
The childhood I once had
And I had no one to turn to
He controlled every aspect of my life
Like a doll being played with
Pulled
And tugged
And I tore to shreds
I don’t believe in myself sometimes
It didn’t happen I tell myself
I’m just making up lies
But that’s what he did to me
He makes me doubt my reality
I was played with every day
Making me long for the reality I dreamt of for my doll
I long for freedom in control of how I live
4 years and No lady justice in sight
The court date was set
Then again again and again pushed back
All because he knows everyone
He knows the judge
He knows the jury
He knows the judgment
He knows how to evade Lady Justice
He controls my life
Every aspect
I close my eyes and I see him right in front of me
Slowing ripping the threads that make me up
The doctor: you are diagnosed with PTSD
More diagnoses all from him
All because he touched a little girl
When will it be my turn to be believed
You believe him
Not your own daughter
You believe him in every situation, circumstance, and position
Not your own daughter
You believe his lies
And not your own daughter
When will it be my turn to be believed
They believe me
But not my mother
They believe my story
But not my mother
They believe my truth
But not my mother
I may be your doll
But I will no longer live by how you play
I will believe in myself
No longer let you control
how I think or feel or act
I know how I work
who I love
what I eat
What my favorite things are
Do not tug me
Do not pull me to your will
You will not rip me up
I AM NOT YOUR SEX DOLL
I am too well-loved
I no longer need to carry a sewing kit
I have those around me to do so
They sew me up when I am undone
They have loved me in a way you never could
You never will
Show me on the doll how he changed you
He did not
I changed myself.
My friends changed me.
And I am my little doll.
But I am no longer powerless,
I am powerful.
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