Don't Tell Mommy

1998. Winter




Mommy says "I'll be back. I'm going out, be good baby."








Four, little white ruffled socks and shiny black baby doll shoes.







Mommy says "I'll be back soon, I promise."








Four, pigtails and barrettes, a yellow sundress, and doll she called Christina.






Mommy says Uncle Terry will watch me. I don't like Uncle Terry, he's mean to Aunty. 






Four, innocence, unknowing, naïve.






Uncle Terry says he wants to be my friend. Let's watch a movie, he says. I still don't like Uncle Terry, but I still want to watch a movie.







Four, young, stupid, too trustful of others. 

Why didn't you listen to your instincts?

-- Lock yourself in a room?





Uncle makes us popcorn, he likes the kettle kind. I don't like kettle corn, but I eat it anyway because it make me feel like a grown up. 



Uncle Terry puts a movie in and sits next to me. His arm above my head.





Four, so easy to lure. To prey, when was she going to learn that he wasn't there to play?







We watch the movie and Uncle says,
Well, Uncle says he itches and- 
that his-
-hands are too big to reach.



I say-
Why? 
Because it didn't make sense why he would need my help.




He says because, I'll tell you're mom you were being bad. So I give him my hand, because I didn't want my mommy to get mad at me if Uncle Terry told mommy I was being bad.







Four, don't do it, but four is too meek. 







Uncle guides my hand, underneath the rough fabric. 
My small arm stretches over his lap.
It's warm in there, I feel, 
-something?
What is that? 



Ridges.

Skin.



Uncle says to scratch, why can't he just do it?


Why me?







Four, feel that instinct kicking in? Get out before he does it again.







Uncle guides my hand deeper and half of my arm disappears.


Scratch.


Am I getting the itch? Can I stop now? 


Uncle says-

No. Just a little longer. 








Four, wake up, wake up, wake up!







Uncle pats my back and his hand creeps its way to my bent leg. I don't like the way that feels, it's too close to-

Mommy says no one is s'pose to touch me in my spot. I tell Uncle. 






Four, now! Get away from him!





Uncle snorts and says alright you got the itch. He guides my hand out. Go wash your hands.







Four, now is your chance, go lock yourself in the bathroom.






I walk to the bathroom and lock the door behind me. I don't know why I did, but it seemed like something was telling me to. Mommy says there's a spirit called God that watches over us.


Maybe God told me to lock it.







Four, don't come out.






Uncle knocks on the door when I'm washing my hands. He says, don't tell mommy what we did, but then he jiggles the door handle. 


Why'd you lock the door? He asks.


Im using the restroom I lie and pull my underwear down to sit on the toilet. 


Uncle says Okay and leaves but not before he says not to tell Mommy again. I say yes again and he leaves while I pretend to use the restroom. It didn't feel right.






Four, tell mom.






Should I tell mommy. Mom said to tell her if anyone touched me somewhere they're no supposed to, but uncle Terry didn't touch me, so I don't have to tell her.



I still don't feel right about Uncle Terry but I still want to watch the movie, maybe If I sit further away I won't feel that way.








Four, did you really think you would forget?








I come out of the bathroom and sit on the furthest side of couch but Uncle Terry pats next to him. He tells me to lay down on his lap because he thinks I'm getting sleepy, and I am, so I come and lay down on his lap.





Four, be careful of the wolf in sheep's wool.




Uncle doesn't bother me again for the rest of the movie and mommy finally gets back.



We hear the car doors being slammed outside and Uncle says remember, don't tell mom he puts his finger to his lip.




Mommy finally comes in and asks How was she? Were you being good? Mommy asks Uncle Terry and turns to me.


Yeah she was great Uncle says and I stare at him until mommy picks me up and we leave.








Four, tell mommy what happened when she left. Tell her.








Mommy asks, did he touch you? I tell her no, and I tell her that we watched movies and ate Kettle corn. Because Uncle Terry said I was being good and I didn't want him to get in trouble.



So I don't tell mommy, and days pass to months, and months pass to years until finally I don't even think about it anymore. 


And all I can remember is

-Four, don't tell mommy.

And my finger reflecting his finger to 
lips notion.