driving dead

We drove

We drove down one road until we drove over the hill and saw the city lights like a blanket of stars beneath us

And then we kept driving

Just the girls tonight

The music too loud and the windows down even though the cold wind came slicing into the car like a million little knives

The men in the car beside us waved and proceeded to weave in and out of imaginary cars to get our attention

But maybe they weren't imaginary after all

We laughed because

Well

I guess I don't know why

We drove until I stopped seeing gas stations

Until the only lights I could see

Were twinkling stars

There's something gritty about midnight drives

Something deeply human that satisfies my thirst for going and my hunger for doing

Wondering why other cars are on the road at midnight

Wondering why my car was on the road at midnight

I didn't want to keep driving but I didn't want to stop driving either

I wanted that feeling to pause

That exhilarated thrill at flying around curves and knowing the statistics of how many dumb teens killed themselves that way

Reckless

Stupid

But so alive

It's moments like that where I look back and wonder why

Why that particular moment was special

And I don't have an answer

Maybe I feel more in touch with the wild animal inside of me that mews like a kitten in daylight

Maybe the abandonment of city lights makes me feel inherently and wholly human

Maybe I am most alive when I feel so dead

Because I forget

I forget the things to read the things to write the things to do do do

And instead

I focus on the leather between my finger tips and

The goosebumps on my arms and

The music vibrating my ribcage 

I'm alive

Because I'm dead inside