drowning

Whenever someone were to ask how i was, the only thing that i would say was that "im doing okay", because if i were to say " im doing shitty" then it would turn into a instant converstaion of why. Why was i doing shitty? Seems to me though i could never find an answer. becasue behind the fake smiles, and the phone screens, and the locked doors, im a version of me nobody has ever met. Theres an old saying that goes "The real you, is the you when nobody is watching" but if that is the case, then forever i will stay hidden, because the me that nobody knows, the me that hides away behind a frame, the me behind all my post is terrifying. If the real me is who i am behind the surface, then i shall let nobody see me. So i locked myself away, pushing away my pride, and my emotions. i let myself fade away, not caring what i did, or the consequences that were to be faced, not caring who i was hurting, not caring about the words i was saying, i truly let myself slip away. I fell. Becoming a stranger to myself, becoming the person i would always say id never be. I became the person who made people feel good, just to let them fall into hell. I became the person who hurt the people who surrounded me just so i didnt feel as if i was drowning. But , i was already beyond the point of drowning, my soul had already sunk and it was just  a matter of time before i did too. I kept asking myself, why? What stops me from pulling the trigger? What stops the knife from induldging into my skin? What stops me from loving who i was born to be? What the fuck is stoping me from being me? and yet im still searxhing for answers, but now everybody is slowy drowning.