drowning

June 18, 2016

There were moments when I could not breathe

when every word I have ever wanted to say became trapped inside my throat

and suddenly all I could do was choke on my own silence

or risk saying something wrong

I was weak and alone

Stranded by myself in my own mind

Afraid of sinking

Every sentence was a nightmare

Every word I said was at war with my mind

I could not speak without feeling wrong

I did not belong inside this body

These hands were not mine

This voice belongs to someone else

I was not real

Words crawling out of mouth

Leaving nothing but a foul taste and a sick stomach

I needed something to hold on to

A thread that would keep me from drowning in an ocean of my own creation

The pen was my life raft

When ink touched paper

I could finally breathe

I wrote down every thought

Unwilling to bottle up my emotions ever again

They were a ship sailing on the seven seas

I was able to save myself with nothing more than a pen and a piece of paper

But I will never forget the taste of salt

And the lack of oxygen underwater

Every day I fight to form words

Some days my lips cannot connect with my brain and the words I say

Are not what I want to hear

They spill out like seawater

I try to choke them back down

But my hand never wavers as I write

Each time the ink traces out a new word my shoulders feel lighter

I am no longer Atlas carrying the world

I am someone else

Someone who can breathe without fighting for it

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