Dualities

I’ve always thought of things as opposites, Things that have spectrums I mean, the whole duality creed: Like light to dark, black and white—want and need. Now I guess things happen for a reason, It’s destiny that does that, But I’ve never been one to sit back, Let life just attack. So I did something about that. I found myself this one day, Sitting on my couch, flipping through the channels Not really thinking much about what to say . . . And then, then it hit, hard, like some revelation. Phone rings, my heart stops, I’m filled with trepidation, See this call—it’s that girl, She’s the one who’s calling; I’m stuck in this pause where I don’t know whether to leap with joy—or start bawling. I’m falling. That’s the sense that takes me first, Breathe, step. Walk over to the kitchen counter. Breathe, step. I keep telling myself that, my lungs feel ready to burst, Breathe, step. I pick up the phone and look at the number, Yeah it’s her, my fingers feel number already. Take a breath, anchor, exhale—I’m steady. At least, I think so. And then, we’re talking and things seem great, We set it all up, I got myself a date, Seven-thirty sharp at the theatre, don’t be late. Time slows after we stop chatting, There’s hours to kill, minutes to spare, But I don’t waste a second, no, not one. I’m changing, putting on cologne, gellin’ the hair. Then it’s back downstairs and sitting vigilant by the clock Watching it crawl by, hearing it: “tick-tock” That noise, it drowns in my ears, Counting down the moments of all those misplaced fears. Six-thirty rolls by and I leave early, I mean . . . There’s no way I’m blowing this, My shot, my opportunity? It’s a comparison between hell or bliss. So I drive. I arrive. She’s there too. Early. In my mind, I’m just thinking “Oh Shit.” But, you know, destiny had a plan, one that fit, And it works out well in the end, We stop by the Chinese restaurant next door, Pick up some noodles, some tea, then sit outside on those white plastic chairs. We start talking and—every words building stairs, Stairs to something real, A connection. This night . . . It’s turning out like perfection. We skip the movie and wind back up at my place, Face to face, bodies close, I taste the hints of jasmine on her lips . . . Kiss the soft pads of her fingertips. —Yeah. That’s the good side—but that’s only half of the coin. There’s the flip-side, the reality check. Go back— I’m falling. That’s the sense that takes me first, Breathe, step. Walk over to the kitchen counter. Breathe, step. I keep telling myself that, my lungs feel ready to burst, Breathe, step. I answer. The shouting starts, the yelling, cursing, screaming, Shadows of the past fly out, murderous, out the other side careening. She hates me, she says, “You’ll never be welcome back in my life.” Those words, each one cuts like a knife, Straight through the skin and beneath even further. But they’re repelled, I steel my nerves, I tell her she’s pathetic and weak and useless. Isn’t that what she deserves? I hang up, chest heaving, blood roaring, I’m seeing red, anger so violent I don’t even know who I am . . . And then, seething, shaking, not breaking, never crying. Inside, my heart feels like its dying. This time, time doesn’t just seem slow. It drags on, Years pass by, but in retrospect, it’s just a blink of an eye, I’m out of college, graduated and single. Success doesn’t allow social and work to mingle. I pass by the old movie theatre, stop at the restaurant nearby, And I see her. Two kids holder her hands, one practically being carried, My gaze drops to her left hand . . . the ring—she’s married. Now I guess things happen for a reason, It’s destiny that does that, But I’ve never been one to sit back, let life just attack. So I’m doing something about that. Life is full of dualities, The paths we walk are those that we create, Like light to dark, black and white, love and hate— When destiny comes, I will be the captain, the decider, of my fate. No more coin flips.