Early Endings.

In the beginning there was light .. 
& that light was good .. 
When did it fall away ?

At birth I didn't cry , I suppose maybe that's the reason I've been fighting back tears ever since.

Pretty little girl from the projects , out the mud .. it took a while for me to digest where it all began.

I went from trying to block it to hastily giving in , everything flooding back I had to crawl out my own head. Daddy in and out , selling packs to the heads couldn't hold a job down , running from 6 , so my. Momma had to hustle , 5 kids plus bills meant she worked too hard to really be around , so I.

Had to grow up quickly.

Learned to cook , clean , and nurture so I could play the mother.
Learned to be father , uncle , auntie , sister & big brother. 
Everything they needed.

I had to ..

Learn to speak quiet , embarrassing momma always ended in violence. 
Fighting w daddy I was her outlet for beatings , better me then the babies I was eager to receive it.

I remember ..

Finding my peace w the darkness , getting locked up in closets.
Getting slapped around just for being , go to bed and pray to God I'd stop breathing.

I remember ..

Learning to comfort my siblings hush their groaning to silence , as we listened in quiet , to the screams of our parents.

It wasn't until my mother found Christ , that our home finally found peace. 
... Guess you can say he heard my prayers all the nights I would weep.

Yet my hardships weren't finished , just when I thought things were settled ... something new was beginning.

Barely 10 but I was fine though , didn't take long for a couple older guys to find me alone. 
Forcibly removed from childhood .. 
They adorned me with womanhood.

Bet they thought they were doing me a favor.

I remember ..

Racing against the clock , limping home hastily , washing the red stains from my clothing and my skin in the sink.

To scared to speak ..

For fear someone would see and confirm I was as disgusting as I felt.

To scared to scream ..

While the cuts on my face and arms began to swell and burn , I could only look in the mirror distraught , with my head hung.
Playing back in my head the sting from the blows of submission , I wish I'd kept screaming.

.. There would be no screaming now. 
I crawled under my bed and wept , and slept.

To scared to ask ..

My mother looked with eyebrows raised at my bruises and gashes , she said nothing. 
.. Guess her salvation was to premature at the time for compassion.

... Guess you can say I was bound to be troubled , surprised I didn't turn out messed up .

It would be false to say I lived without these experiences effecting me though. 
Easy to forget a memory when you pretend it didn't happen. 
Never told a soul until I was 18 years old.

Early on ..

I was different.

Didn't take too much interest in guys put me on the path where I only trusted women. 
Still reluctant with touching I took myself out positions.

Heightened sexual tensions around me throughout adolescence , while all my peers were exploring I was uncomfortable with the slightest affections.

My fear came off as aggressive. 
Physical and mental. 
Couldnt hold a steady relationship let alone a conversation.
Cause I couldn't deal with the questions of why sex was out of the question ..

Adolescence ..

Struggled with my placement among races. 
I was too light to be black , and too mixed to play white. 
Grandmother never taught mother Spanish so no accent to pull on. 
And let's face it , unless I planned on living on the reserve being Native American was placeless.

I found my place in my writing. 
I found my place in the sweet sound of music. 
I found my place in nature.
I found myself .. In myself.

No matter what life threw at me , I put on a mask and played the part of the happy till I actually was ..

No matter what she put me through , I respect , forgive , and love my mother .. 
Death over dishonor.

No matter how much pain I experienced , I know God never left me.

I'm a statistically imbalanced quad-racial miracle, and I am okay with that.

I am steady overcoming trials.

I salute those who can look at my life from the outside and recognize the pain I am built with on the inside.

But understanding and knowing are different ..

This is my early endings.