ed talk

and im not happy like this. do you think i enjoy not eating? it makes me feel miserable and sick all the time. i can't ever get warm or comfy because my bones poke and jab at every seat im in. i hate watching what im eating and exercising to the point of almost fainting. i hate counting calories and saying i can't eat something. all of the traditions i have are horrible. i hate contemplating buying laxatives or purging after a big meal. i have tried so many times to recover. each time i failed so i gave up trying to get better because it's so damn hard. i hate making jokes about my eating patterns and i hate looking at myself all the time, even if i seem super confident that day. i hate pretending. i am not happy like this but i have to front like i am because i hate to worry others. i hate how i am in every single way. so im sorry if i made it seem like i was happy but i have to block what im feeling so others are okay.