Eighteen

Looking out the window, the sky seems more gray.

Why is it like that? Everything used to be blue and

the clouds would always smile from above.

The years are passing by and the number eighteen

seems terrifying. My hands are shaking, body pulled

by a thread of time, things moving so swiftly.

Shoulders slacked, darkness coloring under the eyes.

Feet dragged to the next monotonous destination.

This feeling that simmers constantly, is this excitement,

or am I scared?

I used to wish time went by faster. I learned how to drive,

registered for exams, earned my ID, and this only prepares me

to continue swallowing a pill of baseless confidence.

Everything is being thrown at me all at once, it makes me nervous.

What is this silent scream? Did Mom and Dad go through the 

same thing? Brother? Sister?

Days are passing by so fast and I’m losing my self-confidence.

I want to go back where everything was the same.

This person that smiled in front of the mirror, is that supposed to be me?

The confident child that used to be me, I wish I was still like that.

The me in that time understood how to keep her own pace in life,

but now I have to abide by society’s rhythm.

Graduation is coming within a year. The fear pulses through my veins

when the days keep going by and being wide awake in the dark, in bed

at 12 A.M. is becoming a comfortable misery.

As the needle of the clock moves forward, I’m left breathless.

I can’t seem to catch up and I won’t be able to be the hero that 

stood in front of the mirror, smiling.

I keep looking around, everything seems too big and absurd.

Air rushes out of me quickly as I stare at my home that’s filled with awkwardness.

I feel out of place. I wish to turn back and start again, where everything used to be the same.

The same place where I stood there with eyes flickering pain, 

grinning confidently. Realization crosses through my being, 

Portraying me as a sensible fool.

The thoughts shiver down my being with unconscious awareness.

This positive kid in the mirror used to be me, the only true hero I had,

and I lost her. I wish to see my true self again.

Life leads me on to approach my goals and dreams, while it

burns me slowly with cruel kindness.

I can’t go back.