Elegant Dance

Dear Aaron,

Your death plagued my family in ways unimaginable, your death brought currents of sorrow through our family. The only light in the murky darkness was, we all shared memories. Even though along with the memories brought the recent memory of loss , after a while those hard to talk about memories brought good times and laughters to our family. We all shared individual memories, special moments we shared with you, and only you. We even had special memories together. I can remember our memory clear as day. Sometimes, I use those memories to piece together the once living form of you, and we dance elegantly together, from memory to memory in my subconscious.

It was a bright and sunny day outside and for reasons I can't remember, we were alone. You look excitedly at the television, and seemed to be busy thinking of something that babies think of ,that I couldn't figure out. No matter what I always dedicated my time to you, my smile, my comforting spirit ,I did everything I could for you. I never left your side and when it came time for us to move around the house,  I propped your little body against mine,levying your fragile body against my waist, and wrapping my arm around you with tight security. You would drool in satisfaction and a smirk with all the glorious attention you were receiving, as you always did, but it mattered more than ever now that it was just you and me alone.

We floated into the desolate bright kitchen, I grabbed a cup , and a beverage of your choice and left the kitchen. I kissed your little baby lips as we walked back to the room and I gently set you down. You smile, the biggest smile you’ve done all day and the room explodes into a million fireworks of happiness. I get my ever so retro slide phone, and slide you up onto the enormous, white cushiony pillows and tell you to smile, you don’t.  I pick you up and start speaking to you as if you were my age. Baby talk was silly and I knew I had no need for it, when it came to you. you smiled again, and I slipped you onto the bed, adjusted your little feet. I grab my ever so retro slide phone and slid it up with excitement. I laugh looking into the future , showing my mom the pictures and videos of him smiling and laughing. How we would  gawk over his new found abilities and say like we always did “ God is good and his disability hindered nothing”.  I mean , he had dandy walker syndrome, but that never hindered his abilities,my view , or even love for him.

You stick your little pink tongue out at me , taunting me, believing I'm not fast enough to catch you in the act. I marvel, a smile so big forms, permanent smile lines form around my mouth. I smile and take as many pictures that satisfy my heart or what the space in my phone allows me and flip you over ever so gently on your stomach. Then you do it, you send somersaults through my heart packed with excitement and a pinch of hope. You crawl on the bed rapidly, smiling fiercely. I lay down to your level and gasp in the moment of happiness and dread the moment everyone gets home. I pick you up, hold you close , your little plushie hand clamps onto to my enormous finger . We embrace into a deep stare in your brown eyes and I become enslaved to your pupil. You hold onto my finger vigorously as we lay on the bed and finish watching tv as if the whole thing never happened.

It's moments like that i'd rather remember than your death, moments a big sister deserves to have with her baby brother. The 2 years you lived on this earth crumbled into dust and created a halo of light above your skull. You created a door in our lives we try so hard to keep locked. Whenever your name comes up or a memories that ties along to you, we all laugh and smile , but share simple sigh of grief at the breech of happiness. But most smiles, like mine never fade.You never died at least not to me, you're still smiling in that enormous pile of white pillows, only difference is their clouds now.