An Elegy for Self

I I used to treat myself With a gentle hand. I still remember: Winter days I walked,   just because Thoughts I had,   just because; The quiet conversations,   just because;
II To go back Would be to learn My own name again. To choose a path,   just because; To let a thought unfurl,   just because; To offer myself a word,   just because;
III Lately I spend my hours Tearing at this face   At my mind    At this cage Leaving furrows   In the clay This agony of feeling   Nothing Is somehow a sharper pain   than when I felt Something
IV For all this time, For the wallowing, For the miserable comfort, I could have been   something more. Or at least   something else. But, I clutched at the rain instead of chasing clouds. I searched for the moon In the   daylight sun.
V In the direction I face,   All is ground and dirt.    While above?     The stars remain. At the very least, In all of this, I notice now the flowers   are quite pretty even knowing they will wilt