Emily

I nearly mistook her for myself

with her cheeks pulled tight in a gap toothed smile

it was clear to see that blood lines can't be broken

even if the strands are made by fuzzy phone calls and old photographs

or maybe the lack of

I used to wonder how my father could abandon his own daughter

but that was before I could use myself as an example

before I realized my feet

could never run fast enough to reach his bumper

no matter how many street signs I went by

Before he drove 3,369.6 miles into the distance

before he was 2 days and 13 hours

3,660 minutes, 219,600 seconds away

Before he told my mother he never loved her

and we all heard him

before I realized it's not okay to leave your daughter for months at a time

it's not okay to never call

it's not okay to hand her cigarettes and tell her to inhale

it's not okay

But most of all it's not okay

that you left my mother with four kids

that you abandoned her just like her father did

that you abandoned her like you abandon everybody

I am here because of Emily

I am here because of all the families that you left behind

I am here

but you can't hear me

so what is the point of this speaking?

Well it's not about you anymore

it's about me

it's about the void you left where my father was supposed to be

If I could tell my twelve year old self something

I would tell her to stop searching

for her father in the faces of strangers

for comfort in bad behavior

for anyone but God to be her savior

I used to think that God was complicated

like if I prayed hard enough I might be worthy of loving

but before that

I just assumed that my father in heaven

cared just as much about my bleeding hands as the one on Earth

So I taught myself the art of numbness

worthless

and destruction

I honed them like a sharp tool to do myself in

If I could tell my twelve year old self anything

I would tell her to put down the cigarettes and the facade

they won't make her feel any better

that she looked a lot sharper when not wearing black

that the cuts on her hands

were going to be one of her biggest regrets

that she would get her heart broken

again

But that she would have a strength

that she didn't even know was there

that her voice would echo with ambition

and her heart would pulse with a purpose

that she would no longer have to worry about being perfect

and fail repeatedly

because perfection is in the digression of the ordinary

so

It's okay to hit an earthquake

because that crumbling is humbling

so when my heart shakes and shutters

and struggles to utter

the actions necessary to accomplish anything

I am going to remember

with a little faith

I can write my own destiny

all I need to do is turn the page