How must I control my defensive impulses,

when I been messed wit so long and malled by the vultures,over and overthey kept pokingmy mind was messed with so much I lost hold of, the trust, even with my own gut...what the...If I can't trust my own how am I to knowif I'm wrong...probably so...but maybe not I don't knowI'm too old to lose control well there u go I still ain't grown my immaturity is showing​ so it goes indecisiveness is a b***h this I know sh** need to get Gingko you'd be surprised what I forget at this very moment I feel I may have been selfish in my reactions because of what I dealt with but if I'm lying I'm dying I don't retain spit short term memory slips and I can't help it so sometimes before you replyYou may be on stand by for a moment in time I know I'm thrown off a notch but I know I can grow & be  fine If u understood all the whys And what I been thru in my life and..I know u wish to see the brighter sideBut darkness comes with D light You can't have pretty without ugly though unwittingly I give my love to thee I'm far from perfect love u see, but in the long run I'll be worth it, but, if u gone run I'll be hurt but..what you have done for me has perked my spirit upYou helped me learn as such I'll never forget give you this thank you kiss in the wind hope u can forgive and hopefully understandand we can try again sending this prayer to the heavens amen 
Love you know, you made my house a home now I'm in this house alone prepared for the worst but hoping you show For the best results I must grab hold of my senses & set goals for emotional growth is the consensus