The Emotions Living Inside of Me

The Emotions Living Inside of Me

Hey mom, I didn’t know any other way to tell you besides writing it in a poem. I tried so hard to forget about it so I didn’t have to do it this way. I really did. Dad already knows. I need to go to the doctor when you read this. Please don’t be mad. I love you.

Sad. Alone. Broken and Lost.

That is just a minimum amount of emotions I have been feeling lately.

The brokenness is from being alone. I know I am not alone. It just feels like it. The sad is from losing myself. I tried finding me again, but I have no idea where she is. I changed and she ran away. I just feel lost, like no one will ever find me. Sometimes, I think I don’t want to be found. Other times I do want to be found. I don’t know what to do mom. Please don’t be mad.

Betrayed. Hurt. Useless and Forgotten.

Sometimes I better myself to work because I try and be happy. It never works. I am betrayed that everyone has left me. I just can’t find the happiness anymore. What do I do mom? The thoughts circle in my head. I try to make them stop, but they just keep going. The reasons why I am not pretty enough, or like the other girls. Why I don’t have enough friends, or why my friends keep hating me. I hate my life sometimes mom. It hurts me, to think about things like this. But I do it every night. Laying in bed, not able to sleep. Thoughts racing, mind racing. But again, I don’t know what to do mom. Please don’t be mad.

The thoughts. The days. The process.

I tried being happy today mom. I don’t think it worked out. Because when I came home, you looked so frustrated and I thought it might have been because of me. I smiled today mom, than I made myself stop because I knew it was all fake. I cried today mom, knowing that I can’t be as happy as I was before. Not knowing what made me become this way. Thinking that, in order to be happy, I have to take medication. I cried again, feeling alone because no one knows how I feel, and has ever seen it in person or in action. So one day, I hope I can be happy. I hope I can walk in one day, and just make you happy. But right now mom, I am not happy. I am sad. Alone, and I want to be found. Please don’t be mad.

So when you read this, don’t cry. Just pray. Because I love you, and I know you love me. I want to be back. I don’t want to be sad anymore. I love you mom.

-          Your Daughter Kayla