Empty me ( My Testimony)

Empty me

Excuse the hesitation as i muster up an explanation

Of the woven pieces of my chaotic life

As god uses his needle to stitch me back together

Every time I fall apart

This is how i would explain the facets of my soul

As i try not to cover up mistakes so unwhole--some

Insecure i was insecure

A young girl grade 3 caking on makeup like big sister does

Because beauty did not spell my name

Pasting pictures of beauty queens from jagged magazines

Onto posterboard

My secret motivation as i caved into secret ana sites

Looking up ways to melt the flesh from my bones

As if my heart could not stop

I breathed breathes heavily as i ran for pacers

Not pacing myself for i knew that each step was a pound

That i would let go...into the abyss

A quiet soul slowly disintegrating

Although i called him lord i did not know the depths of his love

Love a skewed perception buried in my eyes

As i dealt a dark hand

Opening my eyes to pornographic sites

And lusting after what seemed to be love

How could this be?

Empty me

Of this dust that accumulated in my mind

An attic of brokenness waiting to be found

Deeper into low self esteem

Though i mask it with a smile

Cut from the boy next door

When he violated my innocence

Just a young girl not far from birth

Yearning for that moment when i can say AHA

I know who i am as i constantly find myself in others

Moving on into times where highs never sink down into lows

And prophecies upon prophecies litter the pulpit toward me

Evangelist full of love words spoken over me of who i am to be

But then i am hit with a flood of lows

Empty me

My Freshman year interrupted as demons attack my existence

Throwing EMT’s off me as i say “ I am in here”

Making laps around my house singing songs of worship

As my mind slowly crumbles into nothingness

Awaking in a hospital bed gazing into the eyes of psychiatrist

As he deems me mentally ill

A title i will hold until dust covers my bones

And as i go home hoping to be better i only turn out to be worse

Spending countless hours travelling from pastor to pastor

Trying to find someone who can heal me

Times of a fragile state where food has to be spooned into my mouth

Clothes put onto my body by another human being and baths without my hands

Empty me

As i return into my high school walls only to find that no one understands me anymore

As thoughts turn suicidal and i find myself at the end of a bottle of ibuprofen

Rushed to those walls for the mentally ill once again

Pill after pill visit after visit prayer after prayer yet nothingness

And i sink into the abyss of quietness noting that no one would want me

Until the devil comes in hispanic italian form speaking beautiful words into my ear

And i lose my innocence to a human being i would never see again

Then just as i vow to keep myself for the prince that will come sweep me off my feet

The devil comes again in chocolate form and forces that vow away

Rape…..

Empty me

And i swing into a cycle of seeking devil after devil

And waking up regretting last night's endeavors

Staring at my room’s one night stand

Longing to turn the light on

A secret vice that clutches me in its arms

As it makes me cheat on my husband time after time

Empty me

As devils force away my innocence time after time

Empty me

For the filth that fills my bones is too much to bear

I want to wash myself out of the sin

That encompasses every facet of life

An epidemic equivalent to the black death

As my face is filled with precipitation

Precipitating the fluid that fell from your side

I am pierced…….

But let us remember

Time was fashioned by the hands of beauty

Woven together were our bodies as the potter

Formed his clay

Intricately knit from the womb with no sin

I am a rib from a dominant being

Sown with so much design

It is impossible for my creator

To leave me uncreated

To leave me in this pit

The birds of the field do not worry

And shall not i

Empty me

For i have been filled

With the ways of this world

And make me new

…….

So let me tell you

As i brag on my god

For he has set me free

He has restored what the enemy meant for evil

He has given me peace

And though i may fall

I shall rise again

For he picks me up

Like a father lifting up his daughter

In a dance that never ends

My rags have been replaced

With endless grace

And he crowns me with wisdom

As i gaze upon his face

He raised me from sickness

Back into my education

He blessed me with

Individuals who see me

You really see me!

So let me brag on god

For he is the alpha the omega

The beginning the end

El-shaddai, jehovah rapha

Jehovah nissi, jehovah jireh

El elyon, adonai, jehovah sabaoth

Yahweh, yahweh, yahweh

And he has called me by name

He named me peace

And for that i am grateful

Let me brag on my god

For he resurrected me from the deathbed

In visions of hell

He pulled me from the devil’s hands

Let me brag on him

For without him i would burning

Without him my flesh would be crying out for help

Let me brag on him

Because

He

Saved

My

Empty

LIFE

AMEN