I find myself staying up late at night
No end to my destructive worries.
Jumping from one topic to another in my racing mind.
Usually starting with stressing about schoolwork, what I want to major in, what I want to do in life.
Because in this day and age, I have to know all of the answers before I’ve even been able to experience life itself.
Then the question of how I’ll be able to afford college clouds my thoughts.
Wondering while only holding onto a mediocre job paying minimum wage.
I try to bring a positive outlook and switch to a different and less mind-consuming topic.
I turn to short escapes from reality that bring me to the brink of sleep
And yet still cut short of my intention of rest.
I toy with the idea of fantasy worlds,
Worlds where I may suddenly wake up in an alternate universe with my favorite TV character,
Worlds where I conjure up the idea of meeting my celebrity crush and how happy I’d be if that were the case.
Until I worry about flaws that may arise in this hypothetical scenario,
Worry about if they’ll like me even though I’m not model material, even though I’m shy, even though I’m not the center of their focus no matter if they’re at the center of mine.
But it doesn’t end there.
Because no matter how much I plead for sleep at this point, I somehow find something hiding in a remote corner of my thoughts to worry about.
I worry about if my friends really like me or if I’m just a wallflower to them,
Perceiving someone else as more important than myself, even to my best friend.
And strangely, for a brief moment, I do gain some self-appreciation and attempt to become more positive, believing I am a wonderful person and just hope that they’d see that,
But then I recall that this is a daydream, that I’d virtually never meet this person.
My hopes are for nothing and I go back to being a self-conscious individual.
I am bombarded by embarrassing and physically cringe-worthy moments that support previous notions of not being good enough.
I recall my father who has passed away and up crying myself into fatigue.
Of how my life would fall to pieces if I were to lose another family member.
Because I know I can’t face that again. Face the loss of possibilities and happiness.
And I’d like to say at this point in my night’s distress that I would find something to ease my mind,
But I don’t.
I end up passing out from complete exhaustion resulting from my thoughts on my life’s uncertainty.
I hope this isn’t an adult thing, to haunt me any longer.
Because I would really like an end to my endless worry.