It could be alcohol.

It could be hard drugs.

But, you see, it is neither.

 

I drink them so I can silence the thoughts that are constantly belittling and demanding me to do things that I do not want to do.

I harmed myself, after being 3 years clean, due to the thoughts being so unbearable.

 

“They don’t care”

“They are all staring at you because of your acne and because you’re fatter than fat”

“Stop talking, you’re annoying and loud”
“Speak up, they can’t hear your stupid ass”

The thoughts never quiet down.

Unless I have that thing you hate.

Unless I drink the thing that is “bad for my health”
Unless I make you yell and scream at me because I’m trying to shut my mind up.

 

But I can’t tell you that.

I can’t tell you the reason why I drink them.

You’ll give my parents a call

And cause them to hate me further,

If that is even possible at this point.

Make them lock me in their room and yell at me for over an hour while I sob in the corner.

Just like they did in seventh grade when they found out about me cutting myself to do the same thing,

To shut my head up.

 

Are you really going to stalk my friends at the store every time they go towards the energy drink section?

Are you REALLY going to scream at them if they get more than one?

Why would you just assume that they are for me?

They don’t even talk to me out of school!

Even if I start the conversation first! 

They will read it, but not respond.

Sometimes they won’t even read it!

My friends have their notifications for me turned off, so they won’t get my messages.

 

I’ve tried doing different things.

I really have.

Please believe me when I say that!

Nothing sticks to me unless it is “harmful” for me.

 

So I’m sorry if you don’t like how I manage to cope.

Please stop stalking me outside of school.

Please stop stalking my friends outside of school.

Thank you for caring, but I’m giving up.

If I die, then so be it.