EPISTLE TO ABSENT DAD

Dear dad- did you ever lay your eyes on me? I remember in agony and melancholy, My entire childhood was spent wondering what hell did I do to you and what heaven could I have done to keep you around. Are you aware what dad’s absence does to a baby? Do you even care? All the feigned petty pities The taunts and haunts from peers? The self-hate I developed within? The depressions and alienations I suffered? The remarkable sense of rejection and degradation? No. I guess you don't! If you ever cared about anyone else but yourself you would have stuck around, at least for your child. Your own blood. Innumerable questions I had. Zero answers I got. I brought the thinking and wondering To a halt long ago. After all, I had a golden mother She acted mummy and daddy at a go But there is something I need to ley you know I didn’t want your money. Nor do I do now. I wanted you. I wanted the confidence that comes with the knowledge that dad cares. Where were you when a girl took my heart and ran away with it? She left me feeling beaten and broken - worthless bastard! That time I needed dad for a confidant. To tell me I was unbreakable. Invincible. Simply indomitable. You weren’t their for me. You will never be. That I'm acutely aware For so long I held onto the anger you fueled. I’ve held on it for so long, because for you I had been longing Wasn’t it the only picture -the only memory of you I had! Despite the eons of anger and hurt, I took no umbrage. Against you I harbour no grudge. I forgave you for having left me Without a word. I too ask that you forgive me for the wrongs I didn’t know I did. Probably before I was born! ©DMN 2020 Ed