Esteem

I am learning to say no,

I am fighting to set boundaries and uphold them,

I am dry-swallowing coping skills and

choking on broken bad habits.

Because I love you

I am closing my eyes,

raising my arms over my head, elbows out

and patiently learning how to breathe again.

I am learning to think about myself

instead of suffocating on the terrifying idea

of burdening everyone.

I am learning to ask for the things that I need and I am learning to need things.

Because I love you

I am reaching out for help

and instead of fooling myself that no one is there to take my hand

I force myself to see the crowd of support reaching back.

I am learning to look in the mirror again

without feeling like my stomach has been caught in a bear trap.

I am learning to turn to people when I don’t know how to cope

instead of scratching and burning my sorrows off my skin.

Because I hated you

I ignored your needs in favor of everyone else’s,

I refused to take care of you in spite of the suffering it brought me,

I desecrated you with red graffiti in attempts to hide all the blue.

But because I love you,

I am learning to understand and respond to your needs,

I am learning to set boundaries to protect you,

and I am learning how to breathe again.