Even If I Promised

There are things I didn’t do

The things I promised, but didn’t tell you

I promised to stand outside the labour ward on the 15th

Try to find your voice in the many birth shouts in that minute

The minute when I’d be leaning on the wall staring at the slippery white floor

Then lose myself in crazy pleasant thoughts

Like, the scan could be wrong… it could even be a girl

But, whatever… just bring the boy home

There are things I didn’t do

The things I wrote all year bragging about

Like being your ex-boyfriend’s stunts man

I wanted to do the things he didn’t have the courage to do…

Like trusting you

Yet I kept asking myself why you spent your entire life

Saving your beauty for a man you never knew… a man like me

There are things I didn’t do

Things I made you think I was really going to do

I still don’t know why I made you think I was going to leave

But I know I was waiting for you to ask me if I was leaving

Because I wouldn’t stop thinking, “where to?”

There is this thing I didn’t do

Something I’ve never failed to place on my new year’s resolution

It makes me freak when I imagine living without

Now I have two…

There are things I don’t think I will ever do

Like walking away…

Even if I promised