Every Time

every time I hit rock bottom

there is a new rock bottom that awaits me

its darker there 

and full of more self-hatred 

than I could ever imagine 

brought on to me by my own doing

it’s an endless cycle, really

hitting the first rock bottom meant self-hatred 

self-hatred meant bad decisions

 those bad decisions carefully delivered me to the second rock bottom

and so it goes

I can’t quite fathom how I got to the first rock bottom

hell, I don’t think I even realized I hit it until it was too late

but it felt like the end and I convinced myself that it was

until I started sinking to the next rock bottom

sinking is a euphemism

it was more like crashing into it at a million miles per hour

I thought nothing could hurt more

then came the third.

i’m still here but I’m numb

there is no light at the end of the tunnel

And if there was, I wouldn’t be able to see it from down here

All I can do is dive deeper and deeper until I disappear 

the next rock bottom is waiting for me 

wondering how i’ll arrive

could take me days, weeks, months, years to get there

but its yearning for me to fall deeper than I thought possible

like I have every time