Everything Has a Reason....Right?

Dear Agapito,

Everyday is harder than the one before. I thought time was supposed to help me get over my sadness and loss, but it seemed to be getting harder for me. At first, I did what I could to avoid the things that reminded me of you, which meant that I tried to avoid almost everything around me. I guess it didn't matter anyways, though, because my mind drifted back to you no matter where I was or what I was doing. I started visting the place where you are buried, and I hold onto what I have left of you, whether memories or a physical object. I even have things that you hated. Sometimes I close my eyes and put my hand out to pretend that you are still there, but I feel nothing. The day you died was a disaster for me. I was filled with a deep sadness and rage. I didn't know what to do, because I knew nothing would bring you back. So, was I supposed to pretend you never existed or was I supposed to mourn for a few days and then be over it? The answer to that question is irrelevant to me now, because I didn't do either one. I still miss you and I still wish there was a way to change things or to make myself feel better. Even as I am writing this letter, I am having to stop long enough to pull myself back together so that I can finish writing everything out. I've always believed that things happen for a reason, and I still do. However, I just can't seem to wrap my head around why you needed to die. What reason could've been big enough to kill you? You never hurt anyone, all you did was make us happy. You were still so young and innocent, there could be no evil or wrong in you. Sometimes, when I think about this question, I like to think that you died for a noble cause. Maybe, somehow, your death is shaping my future, as we speak. Maybe, in the future, this pain, maturity, and loss is what I will need to remember. Maybe, when people need to feel stronger, they should remember the times when they were weakest, not the times when they were strongest. So, when I need to feel brave and strong, i'll think of you. Whether I really am or not is debatable, but I know that when I feel scared or lost, your memory will show me the way. You will make me feel strong, even after your death. I think that's beautiful. Of course, I would rather have you in my arms, but I suppose that what I want is not always what I need. It pains me to think that I needed you to die, but it makes me feel better knowing that you won't truly be gone as long as you're in my memory, and I will carry you in my heart forever.

Missing you and loving you eternally,

Brittney