excuses

I used to think that you loved

but I know thats not the truth

you would put me down and make me feel bad for things I couldnt control

saying that because you were the parent and you were older you knew best

I'm doing this "because i love you"

you would say as you beat me

screaming that this would make me a stronger better person 

the next day you would act as if nothing had happend 

trying to buy back my love 

I wasnt allowed to have friends over or go hangout because it wasnt safe

It was our home that wasnt safe

"because I love you"

was your excuse for all the things you put me through

walking on egg shells when other people were around they weren't allowed to see me frown

everything had to be perfect

If it wasnt

I would get punished

excuses were made for the bruises 

oh she fell

she crashed her bike 

she burned herself making dinner 

It was never those things

only you

"because I love you"

you would say 

as you found new ways to hurt me

because I love you

as you dropped me off and drove away

that was not love

that was not caring

that was not okay

It took years to heal from all the things you put me through

because I love you you used to say

as you tossed me out of your way.

I know what love is.

It's coming home and feeling safe

It's a hug that makes you feel okay

It's getting a phone call and having it make your day

It's my granny making me soup when i'm sick

It's my best friend coming straight from the airport to visit me in the hospital

It's my granny holding my hand and saying its going to be okay

as they wheel me to the surgical bay

love is knowing that you are safe and feeling happy.

fuck your excuses and "because I love you's"

they arent real.