Existing

the very thought

of

existing

and knowing

that I

won't make a difference

haunts me

because most of the time

i feel like i’m just there

and all the things

i've done

i do

i will do

doesn't matter at all

i have been saying that I need

help

for five years

1,826 days

43,829 hours

2,628,000 minutes

but these words I have whispered

are unheard

by the

darkens of night

and

the silence of dawn

the table of my mind

was such a feast

that the entire world

came crowding in

and the content of my heart

so vast

that not a single soul

was turned away

do you know what keeps me up

until 3am?

its the voices of the strangers

from the street

the honking of the cars near the

block, nor the shadow

that lives under my bed

and walks

around my room as if

i don’t see it every night

its the past memories i’ve shared

with people

how i acted so shy when my teacher

told me to introduce myself

how the sun kissed my cheek and

the water rolled over my feet

how i felt the tingle in my spine when

i held my first book

it is the present memories I share

with people

the laughter whenever someone tells a silly joke

the sad feeling when the protagonist

dies in a movie

the smile i give to a stranger in a

sunny morning

but i always avoid thinking of the

future,

i feel anxious with the thought of not getting

what i dreamed in the past, how

frightened i am

to see myself in the hospitals bed

pale and dead