expectations of a high school senior - my fear

a day in my senior year involves

waking up, and putting on my face

waking up and fixing my hair

i wake up and i try to find my place in this place i have to be everyday

i do my work and i read my books and try to find my place in this place we call high school

i learn to keep my head down in ap computer science, the 18 boys don’t like me very much.

they say ‘no girls allowed’ on internet simulators and such

and it doesn’t bug me

they’re computer science boys and they’re messing around

but it makes me want to conform

i learn to wait until after class to ask the teacher questions,

to not speak unless i need to

to not put myself out there

then i go home and all my tasks shift

i try to prepare myself for my future,

For some reason I want to continue my education

and all i see is

“what makes you different?” “what diversity do you bring”

diversity? i was told we needed to be the same.

i was told we all need to look alike

sound alike

think alike

learn alike

be alike

so i say “i’m not sure. sometimes i think i learned to live a muted version of myself because the vibrant version could be blinding and no one would see.

i want to survive here, and by now i know that this is the way

the way is to keep my head down and only speak when i know i will be supported

because if i look, sound, think, learn, or am different? i am out.

because as a senior in high school i know how it goes

i’ve been around the block not once, twice but four times

and i know that if i do something different i will be the talk, talk, talk of the town and not in a good way

now, i am fine with being different

i like my personality and i believe i have one

but to be asked to show it?

well that’s something new.

that’s revolutionary because this is the first time i’ve been told to make myself stand out.

the very idea that being different is good needs to be drilled into my brain for me to understand it.

not only that, it needs to be dragged back to the surface because sometimes i’m afraid i’ve lost my individuality.

and my father taught be the difference between ‘lost’ and ‘misplaced’

“lost is something that’s gone for good”

the expectations of a senior in high school.

at the beginning of this poem, that was my title.

i talked about double standards, how society was unfair.

be just alike.

be different from the rest.

what do you expect us to do.

i said.

as i kept writing though, what i realized was that i was scared

i was terrified when i saw these college essay prompts because i thought i’d forgotten what made me different

so going to this prompt,

“how did you overcome one of your fears, and what did you learn from the experience?”

my fear was i will lose myself over trying to fit in

a fear i’m overcoming it to this day

there’s a middle ground i thought i needed to find in order to be liked, sometimes i think i still do

the ground in between “she’s boring” and “she’s a freak”.

i’m learning to overcome that by realizing

in reality, if no one would conform, that too would be conforming

and in their own little way, everyone has has little incidents like mine

at the end of the day, sure they suck but they’re human like you and me

and they still mold you into who you are meant to be

everyone is a slightly different person inside than they are out.

is that because society has worn them down? sure.

that might be it.

because every single person has been hit in some kind of way

every person has been broken down and felt the need to hide parts of themselves to ensure it never happens again

in a way, this comforts me.

it confirms my reason to conform.

a reason everyone has felt.

so yes, i may have lost myself from the little things that have beat me down

and yes, it scares me that everyday i give a piece of myself away until one day there may be nothing left and that’s how i’ll become a ghost but everyone dies at some point

i’m not saying it’s good to give in to society’s pressures

what i’m saying is we all do sometimes

so don’t be afraid that you’re losing yourself when you think you can’t wear a crop top because you’re not a size 2 or 4 or even 12

or when you think you can’t code like the boys can in computer science class

you know who you are. i know who i am.

do we find ourselves forgetting sometimes? maybe

but we don’t have to.

if you’re scared about not knowing who you are anymore,

learn you can still be you even though you may be stifled.

and the things that stifle you become a part of you too.

you decide if this is good or bad.

and if you are still scared that you might be forgetting yourself?

the best thing to do? learn to remember.