I tell my boyfriend i have anxiety disorder.

he tells me, “don’t worry we all get anxious over something.”

 

yes, while you may be anxious over the test you have tomorrow,

i want to die over the test I have tomorrow.

he tells me i should stop biting my nails.

but I’m not biting my nails.

I’m keeping myself from erupting over all of the things i said wrong that day

and the day before

and the day before

and the day before.

“why can’t you just calm down? take a breathe.”

but if i calm down now i’m going to have to face all of the problems I’ve been mulling over in my head that wouldn’t even be problems to you,

so my brain tells itself to forget. forget how to breath,

keep on shaking you idiot.

he tells me its okay

but what is okay about worrying so much that you would rather be dead?

what is okay about constantly having thoughts rip through your brain faster than the speed of sound, tearing you apart from the inside out?

 

he tells me how he loves that i rub our feet together when we fall asleep at night.

but the truth is, i can't keep my mind calm enough to keep my body from moving at all times.

 

“why are you crying”

i am crying because my thoughts are constantly flooding my brain

and i started to drown so now they’re flooding out through my eyes.

i can’t stop.

i can’t stop thinking.

i can’t stop worrying.

i can’t stop.

my boyfriend gets mad because i say his friends don’t like me.

he claims they do but everytime i see them all i can think about is the resent in their eyes and hatred spitting out of their mouth that isn’t even there.

he asks me why i am so stressed all the time,

and i tell him because i just am.

stress is my horrible best friend i do everything with.

i take stress out to lunch and he tells me everyone is staring and i have food in my teeth.

stress and i study together and he tells me how badly i am going to fail.

stress and i get dressed together in the morning and he stands there in the mirror telling me every single way how today is going to go wrong.

stress and i go to bed together.

and he keeps me up because he keeps whispering into my ear how much of a failure i am.

my boyfriend says he will be there for me,

he will help me when my best friend stress, and his brother worry want to come and hang around.

but it's 4:30 am and I haven’t heard from him in over a month because my anxiety was too stressful for him.