Facial Dysmorphia

 

I feel safer hidden, safer unexposed. 

It’s easier to wear a mask, 

To hide my face, hide all emotions.

I am able to cry and have it come off as laughter. 

Only my eyes show,

The one part of me I like is visible.

Mirrors morphe me.

They shine a spotlight on my flaws.

My flaws, 

My f*cking flaws. 

My face.

My thighs.

My stomach.

My voice.

My curves.

My entire being.

The way I am perceived controls me.

The way the world looks at me decides if I will spend my time stuck in anxiety.

My mind is spiraling out of control every time I see my face.

My own face scares me.

It doesn’t look right.

It doesn’t feel right.

I wonder what I really look like.

What my body looks like to those around me.

From my eyes, it’s all wrong.

I am used to not eating.

Used to being hungry.

The numbers don’t lie.

I’m getting so tired. 

I’m starting to fall asleep.

But I don’t want to wake up.

But I have to be okay.

I have to be okay for my parents, for my sister.

I have to be okay for my friends.

For the people I know that aren’t, the people that need more help than me. 

I have to.

I feel safer hidden, safer unexposed. 

It’s easier to wear a mask, 

To hide my face, hide all emotions.

I am able to cry and have it come off as laughter. 

Only my eyes show,

The one part of me I like is visible.

Mirrors morphe me.

They shine a spotlight on my flaws.

My flaws, 

My f*cking flaws. 

My face.

My thighs.

My stomach.

My voice.

My curves.

My entire being.

The way I am perceived controls me.

The way the world looks at me decides if I will spend my time stuck in anxiety.

My mind is spiraling out of control every time I see my face.

My own face scares me.

It doesn’t look right.

It doesn’t feel right.

I wonder what I really look like.

What my body looks like to those around me.

From my eyes, it’s all wrong.

I am used to not eating.

Used to being hungry.

The numbers don’t lie.

I’m getting so tired. 

I’m starting to fall asleep.

But I don’t want to wake up.

But I have to be okay.

I have to be okay for my parents, for my sister.

I have to be okay for my friends.

For the people I know that aren’t, the people that need more help than me. 

I have to.