Wake up every morning

The same routine

But something seems different to me

So what do I see?

A girl with no motivation

A girl who needs vacation

A girl who deep inside cries

A girl who makes up lies

This girl is me

It hasn’t always been this way

But that’s just how it seems

So you see

This isn’t how it’s supposed to be

I used to be happy and free

My face would hurt because of the glee

Sure I had stress

But nothing I couldn’t just press

My life seemed happy

I was happy

I had a crush or a love

Oh I knew little about that

I let my morals drop

I let my integrity flop

And now comes the pain

Three years later and still not sane

My life was lost

Everything cost

I lost the boy

But he found joy

I cried in vain

Hoping someone would hear my pain

I buried my hurt

So that no one would feel bad

So that no one would know

My parents didn’t know

It might’ve been different if I told

I faced it alone

With no one to hold

So lonely I felt

Wanting to cry out for help

But who could I talk to?

You’d judge me If you knew

You’d say I was wrong

You’d say I was dumb

You’d say I am a disgrace

But you see you didn’t go through what I went through

I never knew what it was like

I just wanted to love

You’re right, I am dumb

I am a disgrace

I was wrong

Everything I did backfired on me

You see I entered high school with low motivation

Sadness and depression

I saw him and he saw me

I didn’t know what to do

Things were so unclear last time we talked

He never truly said “it’s over”

Part of me wished for hope

But the other part of me said nope

I dreamed he’d come back for me

So everything could go back to the way it would be

He ignored me as if I didn’t exist

At that moment I ceased to exist

My heart ached

But I just faked

To everyone I was the same

But I wasn’t the same

My grades dropped

The straight A student failed a class

But no one knew why

My parents yelled

My parents lectured

My parents compared

But I was just sad

Why in the world did I exist?

From that moment on I stopped existing

I wanted a hug from someone, anyone

I wanted someone to tell me it’d be all right

But things weren’t all right

Things haven’t been all right

My parent’s view of me lowered

In their eyes I was dumb

In their eyes I was lazy

In their eyes I was a failure

This was a new pain I felt

A pain of disapproval

They compared me to my brother

They compared me to my friends

They no longer believed in me

It’s not as if I didn’t try

I’d give my all in every assignment

Study for each test

All for what outcome

FAILURE!!!!

I found out I had test anxiety

No matter how hard I studied I’d fail everything

I lost confidence in myself

Countless hours of sleep I’d lose staying up doing homework

My classes were hard because they were honors

My parents didn’t care

They said I had no excuse to fail

I used to get called smart

So what happened?

I let a downfall affect me… no destroy me

It hurt my pride not to have straight A’s

It hurt my pride to be compared

It hurt my pride to see disappointment in my parent’s eyes

My mood was low

I saw myself as a lowlife with no point of living

Everything I did was wrong

Everything I was, was wrong

I hated myself

I hated who I had become

 School did this

 School was the outcome of me

I distanced myself from everyone

All I wanted to do was sleep and hope to never wake up again

Everyone was against me

My mom used every chance she could to reproach me

Her words stung like a bee

I hated how cruel those words sounded

If they were meant to help me, they only struck me more

I cried almost every day because I was falling apart inside

Everything was falling apart

My grades were a mess

My family was against me

My friends were traitors

My life was horrible

To compare a child your whole life to someone else is horrible

Why would you do such a thing?

Why would you hurt someone that way?

The kid grows up thinking he’s never been good enough

The kid grows up like me

I wasn’t feeling well, can’t you understand?

That doesn’t mean I’m not smart!

I’ve gotten straight A’s before haven’t I?

So why did you lose hope in me so fast!

You made me feel like trash

As if I wasn’t worth anything

All the talents I had soon didn’t matter and I pushed them aside

Who care what I can do if I don’t have straight A’s

Why couldn’t you see just the good in me?

I wished many times I was a kid again

I wanted to laugh and play and worry about nothing

But that wasn’t real

Every day I’d hope for a better day

If I got a good grade, it wasn’t worth sharing

One single mistake has left me the way I am

Things haven’t changed

There are good and bad days

But one things for sure

My parents might think I’m a failure

But grades don’t determine who I am as a person