Failure Of a Mother’s Love

I don’t even know what to say

I don’t know where to start 

I still don’t truly understand 

This feeling of emotions

That fluster and runs through my body 

It is crazy how a mother’s love fails a child 

My expectations

To be tucked in at night 

To be read to

For you to check my homework

Or to come to my special moments like

Mother-Daughter Dance 

Promotion 

Graduation

Or Any Other Special Occasions In My Life

At a young age, I realized

That this wasn’t what I hoped for 

It wasn’t how other kids’ mothers were

I always questioned myself

Is it my fault?

Is there something wrong with me?

Am I the reason?

Why you were strung out 

Never home 

Always getting beat by my sperm donor 

I blamed myself 

That it was my fault 

Because you were too high to even perceive 

What was going on 

That you never believed me

That I was getting touched in places a little girl should never be touched 

Feeling a mans penis inside my little young body  

Thinking it was all my fault 

Living in the projects 

Buildings close together stacked like legos

Sharing your food and room with roaches 

Hearing gunshots on a daily basis 

Reminding me of 

Sounds from Independence Day 

Negativity surrounding me

All in the news

Going to funerals like birthdays

Lonely sleepless nights

Without you there 

We were 

Sardines packed

On a full size

Concrete mattress 

With little too no food. 

And you no where to be found

The fear of being up

Subjected to the abuse 

To watch, wait, and witness

Them high as a torn twisted kite

Beating each other 

At the risk of losing us 

Too scared to be seen or heard 

I tried to be an invisible ghost 

Was it my fault? 

Was I the reason?

I never knew. 

I always thought it was me

Then to hear we would have to leave

To be departed from you 

Even through all of those things

I still didn’t want to go.

To be with an unknown stranger 

Days weeks months 

Passed by

Being placed from foster home to foster home 

Being separated from my siblings. 

You’re still not there. 

To later on find out 

You signed us off

To remove your parental rights 

Were we that bad that you didn’t want us?

The feeling of a knife stabbing me and slowly pulling out my back

As my stomach knotted and turned

Years passed 

And you became a faded memory 

Until I found out 

You were sick with cancer 

Emotions flooded my body 

Not knowing what to say 

Or how to feel 

Got the courage to come and see you

Thinking I would get an hug and apology

Just your stories of your childhood 

Angrily, I sat quietly 

When you finished

I left 

Not saying goodbye or I love you 

Not knowing, that would be 

The  last time I saw you

A week later hearing your death

I cried

Hurt, pain, sadness filled my body

A dark depressed cloud filled my life

Devastated that I will never see you again 

Still confused 

Why I was feeling this way?

Why did I feel this pain ?

Why does it still hurt ?

A failure of a mother’s love 

Hurts a child’s heart 

In ways you will never understand 

But I survived.

The storm is over.

The sun is shining bright. 

And my life testimony 

Will bless so many others