The fear of being dead weight.

Of having talent, but not as much as X,

Of having discipline, but not as much as Y,

Of having ambition, but not as much as Z,

It hacks at you until you’re weightless.

 

A four-year study in mediocrity.

Over-achievers, under-achievers, slurs, and fist fights,

Being too cool for school, being too smart to breathe, being too scared to fail,

Watching others crafting identities and being nothing more or less.

Trapped by fads and hormones just wishing you could be something else.

 

They told us to dream and reach for the stars ‘cause if you fell, you’d land in the clouds.

I hated that mural.

Without the courage to dream, the stars and clouds were just mocking. 

 

So, I ran.

Ran across the country to a new State—a university no one knew,

Running at top speed away from a suffocating sinkhole.

Talent, discipline, ambition,

Fake it all until I had it all.

That was the plan.

 

A four-year study in determination,

Cold glares, late nights, applications, and shenanigans,

Being too good for parties, being too focused for distractions, being too stubborn to fail,

An identity I could grow and culture into maturity,

While forming a family that accepted the pretention and goofiness in equal measure.

 

The Doctor told me I have brains and shoes and can steer myself wherever I choose.

So, I listened.

First Niagra, and then D.C.,

5k to Shanghai, and then a reunion in Vancouver.

This was just the beginning though—a chapter in a long-form life.

 

The fear of being deadweight,

It’s always there,

Sometimes it’s stifling,

Sometimes it’s paralyzing,

But sometimes it’s encouraging.

Because in the weightlessness, I have nothing to tether me.

Nothing to stop me from scrapping and restarting,

Faking it ‘til I’m brave enough to embrace it.