A false smile

A false smile
Is what people see on my face
I try to better everyone's day with it
They can never tell the pain and tears behind this front
On the inside I want to feel the truth of a smile
Maybe I did when.I was a small child
But all of it was ripped away from mental verbal and physical abuse
I know you love me and you need help
But my heart is still scarred from growing up
Daddy left when I was two 
A complete stranger that I don't know
Moms words feel like a knife
Stabbing through my heart and soul
Even though I prefer that over
Your strong fists and hands that cover my throat when I beg and plead and even hope
That my life will end from my own hand.
Although we have financial support from my.generous aunt
I have no emotional.support,
She says she loves me through a text
But I don't feel the love behind the words.
Bullying only made it worse.
Where do I start,?
Whether people made fun of my name or called me a dork
It hurt more when people used my home as an excuse
You'd think that at a Catholic school people would be nice , well that's false
When your different everybody laughs, even friends would join in
Or Maybe it was when I saw my.babysitter die in front my eyes
One shot to the head by her beloved
He even tried to decide if I should die too
Then shot himself
Or.Maybe it was when my.aunt died when I was in tenth grade
Or maybe it was when I tried to kill myself
After a cutting habit
Maybe it was the sad depressing feeling I felt each and every day.
At the end of the night I was all alone
Even though you say you love me
Scars will always effect me
The memories I will never forget
The tears stream down my face every night
Even though It made me stronger
And who I am.today
Even when life gets better
I'll still have that fake smile on my face
Hoping one day I'll know the feeling
Of a true smile with hope.