Family Tradition

I grow tired of saying Hi, I have depression" Im stuck in riveredge mental hospital. Spitten between clanged trees. I cringe at how these patients act Like kids at my school , except The hospital staff treats us like we belong between hard pieces of gum inside sofa pillows. No shoes, no jeans, no jackets. Nothing with zippers If you have to go to the bathroom you need an escort. We sit on ripped recliners, surrounded by tiled walls, and bared windows. I tell the other patients. to imagine me back in my bedroom 7 years after cousin jodys wandering fingers Shifting inside of the closet door Swallowing 13 ibuprofens The clock says 11:11 I make a wish that these will kill me, I pretend that people chained in asylums, are the people we should be afraid of. When I tell mama it feels like I am going crazy she says "God doesnt make crazy babies" but I have a stamped prescription for anti-depressants. My brain spins counter-clock-wise, How can you tell when your loosing your mind? Mama thinks being called crazy, is a priviledge, an excuse for attention She says, I dont deserve to be called this maybe, she does. We each repeat the story of how we got here. In my softest voice, I start from the begining I describe , The green eyed neighbors hand that muffles my mothers voice. Her back kisses cracked floorboards. Squeaks between each hiss of hardwood. When he's done he zips his pants she runs down the stairs My grandmother greets her. "was that was your little behind tearing that mans house up" My mother’s nose running, jaw swollen. "No mama he was hurting me". My grandmother looks at her as if she has lost her mind. I wonder if she ever saw the blood in her daughter's underwear. 9 months later my brother was born did she see the neighbors green eyes in him When I am six I tell mama Cousing jody put his hands down my pants she doesnt shake this is family tradition