You will always be my number one he unspokenly promised.

You are my daughter, my own flesh and blood,

of course I love you and will always be there he promised.

Do not ever doubt how much I love you,

you will always be enough and worth it in my eyes.

 

At seven years old, I did not understand

why the person who makes up half my DNA

stopped calling and coming around.

I also did not understand he had another family;  

he had another number one.

 

With so many confusions taking place in my life

I began to look for answers.  

I realized it’s me.

I am the reason why he doesn't love me.

I need to change.

My inner self became altered,

making it so that I never focused on myself or others,

but only him.

 

“Does he ever wonder what I am doing,” ten years old Camille.

“Maybe he will come down next year for my birthday

instead of sending a card in the mail,”

sad yet hopeful twelve year old Camille thought.

“Why does he act like he only has one daughter?

A father could never forget and leave behind his

own flesh and blood, right?,”naive and confused fourteen year old Camille said to herself.

“Does he even love me and if he doesn’t should I even care,”

stone cold and angry sixteen year old Camille said.

 

So many emotions stuck inside, building up

Desperately needing to be released.

No one to talk to. No one to understand

Or so I thought.

 

The lines of my journal understood perfectly.

A safe haven, a place where my words of  

Anger, embarrassment, self pity, and sadness effortlessly flowed.

Silently listening and re awakening the true soul found within

Someone finally understood.

 

“Who cares what this man thinks,

I am done allowing him to lead me in this dance,"

self determined seventeen year old Camille said aloud.

That gap between my father and I

that has only been getting larger as I drift

has now completely split.

We are finally separated and the 17 year long dance is over.

 

I now put myself first

mourning the masquerade of the father daughter dance

while rejoicing in the solo dance.