Fatherly Love I Know

Why do I feel a strong sense of guilt for you?

Am I suffering this pain which I shouldn't be?

A manipulation and deceit you have thrown unto me.

you don't care to ask about my life, my feelings, or my problems

Nor did you care when I would bleed out my feelings

You never cared when my siblings and I were wearing the same shoes from 5 years ago

You couldn't care less about the food and rent my mama can't afford for us

So why is it that now, that you see I'm doing better, you are my father?

Why do you only reach out to criticize me for my failures from the past, the way I look, why I let my mama "control" me, or how I never come to see You? 

Why would I continue to go see you when you work 18 hours a day and come home not to sleep, eat, or talk, but to sit awake and alone in your room until it's time for work again?

I listen to my mama as she tells me about the sweet love stories from before you,

I felt a slight resentment towards her for it. 

For not choosing a better man to be my father

"Ma, why didn't you stay with him? I could've had a real dad so caring that loves me." I used to joke to her. But it was never a joke to me.

What could she do?

You trapped her and abused her. Like a prisoner.

I sometimes wonder if you weren't a victim of the same abuse from your parents or if you didn't succumb deeper into this drug addiction, would you know how to love? Or parent?

You, drug addiction.

Why do you make him so angry? You hurt him and then he hurts us.

It makes you feel tired while you are wide awake, neglect the people you want close to you, make you miserable, then you are miserable without it. 

How sad it is to watch you work, and work, and work for 20 hours a day, for 30 days straight without rest, then come home and sleep for 3 more days, then repeat it

Or watch Your face as You go in and out of consciousness during our awkward small-talks

Why should I have to stay with you when I hardly see you? And when I do, this is what I see?

You hurt me constantly

and yet you are so unaware of it. 

Your neglect, isolation, and anger pushed me to find a way to let it out,

now I will look at my skin for the rest of my life and think of why I did that.

Is it wrong to blame you for my actions? Don't let this put you on a bad conscious,

I could blame you, but I can't get over blaming myself.

So I guess you manipulated me pretty well to where I would apologise for you not being around.

How did you make me feel sorry for the years of you abusing us and belittling us for hours straight every day?

or abusing my mama right in front of us, isolating yourself in your room 24/7,

Telling every one of us we don't do enough when you wouldn't even try.

You would made ma’ work all day and all night so you could sit in your room all day and all night?

I grew up in fear of you

I thought it was normal for 5-year-olds to cry when they scrape their knee, or break their arm, but I guess not,

Considering how you would get so aggressive and violent over one tear.

I find it easy-to-understand people who are struggling, especially when I know why

So why when I look in the mirror I see you? I have your features, but that's all.

I am nothing like you, yet I'm looking at you when I look at me.

As such an empathetic person, I feel what the people I care about feel

That is my weakness for my father.