Fears

I,

have issues. 

But probably not the kind you think. 

Mine were created by my father and big sister. 

By their relationship.

I have strived for a better relationship

to be better at everything than her. 

But I've given up. 

I no longer see the point

When you're sixteen years old

And you're more mature than your forty-three year old father. 

Even so I'm terrified I'll end up like my sister. 

Albeit she's doing well now

She's a teacher and is happy 

and, she hates our fathers guts. 

I don't blame her though

when you're father calls you a whore

And accuses you of sleeping around

because you go to school early to get help. 

I can see why. 

It doesn't help when he sides with his sister-in-law

And he tells you to "respect your elders"

even though she tried to burn you with a firework. 

I do blame her however 

for that dark cloud over my birthday. 

See the night I turned ten

she took those pills. 

She drank that strawberry Hill Boonesfarm. 

She tried to kill herself. 

But see I'm the only one who remembers the date

I remember every detail of that night. 

Every image

Every feeling,

Everything. 

I remember the red and blue flashing lights. 

I remember the gurney

I remember the cold of the night,

until I went numb that is. 

I have no respect for my father

when you do that to a child how could you. 

But I am terrified of that.

Terrified I'll end up like her

that I'll break

that I'll be the one on the floor unconscious. 

He was trying to do better

but I think he's given up too. 

And while my greatest fear is that I'll be like my sister. 

My second greatest 

is that I'll end up with someone like my father.