To feel again

To feel again

I seek

To fight again

I seek

It’s unique and it’s very different

Being content and when the war ends

Time seems to fade, and one wonders what’s next

Times of peace and a peace of mind

That’s what I thought I was next

But I’m tortured, blinded, and trapped by my demons

Again and again

I fight and fight

But maybe it’s time to stop fighting and wanting

Maybe it’s time to forget about time and time and time again

Time disappoints me

I am too reliant on it

And I know you are too

A system, a clock, a controlling mechanism

I don’t want to want anymore

I will do from now

I need to seek and command justice

In fact it all starts with love and respect for myself

And I know I love myself

I can do it

So why does the same feeling haunt me everyday?

Leaves me heartless and numb

Avoiding my treasures and numbing them

Numbing my emotions, and leaving me with an unfilled, unsatisfied heart 

Why do I think this way?

Is it because I am still motivated by the fear of failure?

Where does my true motivation lie?

Is it in the people that I meet or my accomplishments?

It seems as if everyday, I have less and less answers

Things seem so easy when you’re young, wild, and free

I may only be 17, but it feels like I’m trapped in a life that I don’t want to live

This conversation could two ways

One could end their life with a variety of tools

Or hold on and move forward

I decided on the latter, but even taking steps forward feels a bit tragic at this point

I fight that good fight and I come out with my battle scars

Counted down and out, rising time and time again

It’s time for another rise

And while my confidence may be rock bottom

I know it’s high up, cause I believe in myself more than anyone else

And I know that you know that

So don’t know it

Believe it

Live it

Feel it

And become it

It’s truly time to become belief

It’s truly time to become my true self

It’s truly time to be whole again

It’s time to introduce myself to the world

And this time, I’m doing it the way that I want to

I’m doing me and I couldn’t be happier

So why do I not feel happy?

Is it because I’m too happy or lacking in the feeling of happiness?

Is it because I believe in myself too much, because giving up is way harder than dying

I know I believe in myself and I know that I know I’m happy

So does that make me happy or unhappy?

I’m happy so I should be happy

Does time make me unhappy?

Once again, I fall into its cycle and I lose my illusion of happiness

See the real happiness was right in front of my eyes all along

The blessing to breath fresh air everyday of my life 

The blessing to be myself

The blessing in my very existence

That’s where my happiness lies 

So is it a reality or a false reality?

Make it a reality, because a fake reality has the potential to turn into a real reality

So it’s real that I’m happy because I walk each and everyday with the conviction to make it through the next 

So alas, it’s all real and it’s all fake

So alas, it’s all real and it’s all fake